All our days

It's such a lie that you should do what's in your heart. If we all did what was in our hearts, the world would grind to a halt.
It's strange, when I'm around my mum, I start behave like teenager. Could it be because I was a so called unproblematic child when I actually was teenager? All my life so far there is only one thing I try and fail to do spectacularly - not to disappoint her too much. That's probably the most scary thing for a child, whatever age - to see the disappointment in your mothers eyes. Everything else is rubbish and just temporary mind state. I think I was better off as a teenager, when I thought she didn't actually loved me. Now she doesn't believe I am a good person, and that hurts.
I'm just one of them, next in line of generations of unhappy women in our family. I can't say I'm unlucky, because I am in a some sort of twisted and weird way. It's just that my so called luck hasn't brought me happiness, not yet.
I don't believe in fate, I believe we are what we are because of the actions we take and that's starting to go down on me. Because it's depressing to believe that everything that has happened so far is because of what you did, and you did it upon yourself.
So yes, I might be eternal teenager. Who cares about all that shit when they are grown?